I (Really) Can Do All Things...

So many wonderful things happened once I decided to put God first in my day and limit my Facebook time.

On the first day (which was the day I started blogging about the book), I decided to put my phone down and things got done. I didn't plan it that way nor did I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps. It just got done. The kitchen was cleaned, the kids did their chores, the laundry got caught up, dinner was on the table etc. As I was doing these things I kept marveling at all the wasted time I had thrown away before. I had peace. It was grace.

The following day I had to be out of the house early for the cleaners so I took the kids to mass in the morning and, again, things got done. Amazingly, there was a special prayer intention that sounded like it had been prepared especially for my daughter. So much so, that she suspected that I had actually called the rectory and requested that I ask them to pray for a very specific prayer intention at the mass! I explained to her that's not how it works. It was a God moment and it had been preordained for her to know that God knows her and knows her intimately. Its been like this for her all summer but that's a whole other blog.

That night my son asked me to take him to mass again the following morning and my oldest admitted her day felt orderly and peaceful because of if. I didn't make it to mass the following morning (baby steps!)  but I read my scripture. And so I have felt the presence of The Lord throughout the week and peace in my home.

But then as the week progressed I remembered the part I've been dreading. I decided to go back to school recently and went to sign up for some classes. There's a math placement test I've been putting off. This test would determine whether or not I would be qualified to take regular credit math courses at college in order to pursue nursing or if I would need to take non credit courses just to get me up to college level math.

This happened to me the first time I went to college and, of course, I failed and had to take the non credit math just so I could be eligible for regular math. 

20 years have passed and there's no record of it.   I was told I have to take that stupid math test again just to determine  if I can be eligible to go straight to Math 101 and Chemistry.

The advisor was so kind and handed me a practice paper and was confident that I would get the "5" score I needed. She said there would be a little bit of algebra, a little calculus, a little trig, etc. but that I shouldn't worry. I didn't want to contradict her because she seemed so sure but  I got D's in high school in algebra. They only passed me because they felt sorry for me.

I went home and studied what I could on Kahn academy. I did this a few times a week but when I would get to the (f)n problems with graphs and curves, I realized that there are simply some huge gaps in my education that a week's worth of Kahn cannot bridge. 

After starting to get a mild anxiety attack, I shut the computer quickly.  I decided that God didn't want me to stress (or maybe I didn't) but, at any rate, I was at peace with failing. I would do my very best but if my  lack of self discipline led me to repeat non credit courses, so be it. I even emailed my advisor  in advance asking what times and dates the non credit courses were held.

The test day came and I showed up for the exam. There was about 20 kids standing against walls and waiting on benches. Where all these people here for a placement test? I decided to be brave and ask aloud. A cute boy with brown hair was the only one who answered me.

"Yes, ma'am."  (I love good manners!)

I must have still looked lost because a younger woman pointed to a classroom and told me to sign up there. I went in there and a girl took my information and promptly sat me down at the first computer. I felt slightly spoiled that I had gotten the first seat with all those people waiting out there but I wasn't going to complain! i heard the proctor give an announcement to the hallway people and I used that opportunity to pray and bless myself and the computer with holy water from Lourdes.

A few minutes later that rest of the class filed in and took their seats. The proctor handed out the scrap paper and the exam started.

I was heartened by how much I knew and my heart was racing with glee as I got to answer 11 and realized there was just one one more question......But then, instead of printing out my results, a second part of the test started up and I realized that had just been the beginning! I noticed the girl beside me never once used the scarp paper while mine was all filled up. She finished her test before anybody else and I started to worry. But that's when I remembered that all I could do was my best and after that, just guess. And that's what I did... a lot. The end of the test has graphs and curves and "sic" and things I'd never done and all I could do was take a stab at one of the choices.

I was relieved when I got to the last question and hit the print button. I was handed my results and I made my way out.

I looked at my paper and saw the following :

This is what went through my mind;  Is  that a number 5 that I scored? What's Math 103 and Math 110?? Are they non credit courses? But wait, that says Math 101. Math 101? That's regular Math! OMG, I passed? I can't believe I passed!

Days later and I'm still  amazed that God did this for me.  I passed this test. I don't know if anybody will ever understand how amazing this is for me. Even now I have a tiny moment of panic that maybe I'm reading the paper wrong.

Tomorrow I have my follow up appointment with my advisor. She never did answer my email. I can't wait to go in there and show her my 5 score!

Susana's First Communion May 4, 2013

May 4, 2013 turned out to be a glorious sunny spring day, perfect for a First Communion. It was in the lower 70's and the trees were flowering in pinks and whites.

It was a special day. I knew Susie was excited. After all these years of hanging back in the pew during communion she would now join our ranks. She understood Who she would be receiving in the Eucharist that morning and forevermore. As I curled her thick dark hair that morning and donned her veil on her, I told her that Jesus had been awaiting this day anxiously. I believe that. I had moments where I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I beheld my youngest in her older sister's First Communion dress which had been passed down to her. She is the last of my daughters.

I got to church before the others and took my assigned seats where only parents were welcome to sit. That meant siblings and grandparents had to fend for themselves. I ran into a friend in church that morning and lamented about my bittersweet feelings and he, a seasoned grandfather of many, told me,

"Well, the last one has to come eventually." How true. Even if I was blessed with 12 more babies, eventually there is an end.

The procession started and the children came in two by two. I cant even remember if Susie's partner was a boy or a girl. I only had eyes for her and I snapped pictures quietly with my iPhone not caring a whit that they had asked us not to. Whatever. She's my baby. Jesus doesn't mind. (Yes, I literally had these thoughts).

As the mass commenced the childrens choir sang. It was beautiful. But I had a nagging worry that Rick would not come up with me to walk Susie towards Monsignor for her very first communion. I knew he would be concerned about having to go up to the altar and have a priest mistake him for a Catholic who is able to receive communion and he didn't want to deal with the fuss and complication. I understood.

I briefly explained in a whisper that they had taken care of that. The parents would walk the child to the altar and stop. The child would walk take three short steps to the priest to receive. We, the parents, would walk off to the sides and either receive communion from a layperson or simply walk back to the pew with no fuss.

But Rick didn't want to. I sat quietly fuming in my seat at his flat refusal. I knew he felt funny. Instead of getting angry, though, I chose to let it go and leave it to God saying an internal Hail Mary.

It was time. As the children rose to line up for communion, I noticed Rick watching the process of both parents going up with their children. He leaned over and whispered, "What did you do before?" He meant in years past when he didn't sit with me. I told him that my mother would come with me.

I knew what he was thinking. He didn't want Susie to go up with only one parent and I sent up a thank you to the Lord for taking care of the problem.

Our turn came and we walked Susie to the altar together. After receiving, she stepped down and her father walked back with her to her seat but he hugged and congratulated her first. It meant the world to both of us.

And so the mass ended and Susie made her first communion. It was beautiful. She didnt want to miss the school fair later that day and opted out of a party. We made it just in time and took her out to eat later that night and made a trip to the toy store. 

Afterwards she told me, "I feel like I am more grown up now."

Amen, baby girl. Amen

Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Krispy Bars

Choc. Peanut Butter Protein Krispy Bar

 

1.25 c honey
2 c peanut butter
Melt together and combine with:

2 c Arbonne Choc protein powder
2 cups oats
1 cup Rice Krispies

Spread on brownie pan, chill and serve

 

Salad

So, I have an annoying habit of posting pictures of my food now. It's only because I see it each meal as a milestone towards lifestyle change.

Yay me!

Homemade Trail Mix

When it comes to snacking and trying to be frugal it's always best to make your own trail mix. Companies always add sugar unnecessarily and you get too many peanuts and not enough raisins or chocolate chips. And I hate peanuts as a filler.



looks like a brain

A friend mine who is a nutritionist told me that the best bang for your buck when it comes to nuts is the walnut. Out of all the nuts it has the least fat and the most brain food. Interestingly enough if you look at a walnut it looks like a brain!


When you buy nuts at your grocery store always go to the baking section because the prices will be cheaper there than if you get them in the fancy containers at the produce section or in the chips aisle.

When finding the dried fruit to add to your trail mix always check the label to make sure that the first ingredient isn't sugar. Those dried cranberries and pomegranates and fancy cherries always have added sugar.

Homemade trail mix

Since I was at my local grocery store, and not a fancy store like Wholefoods, all I could find that didn't have any added sugar was raisins. I chose golden raisins.

Since I need a little chocolate in my trail mix I chose some semi sweet Ghirardelli chocolate chips with no soy in them.

And then for extra fun I bought some shaved coconut and added that to my pile. The only problem is that when I got home I realized how much added sugar the coconut had so I just used a few pinches of it.

I came home and mixed all the ingredients together and it made an entire gallon sized baggie of trail mix for a fraction of the price that you pay if you were to buy already made trail mix.

Voila!

Gluten free- first 24 hours

Now that I've discovered great gluten free bread (Udi's) and a great homemade bread recipe, going gluten free doesn't seem so insurmountable.

The only problem is remembering that just because you're eating something that doesn't have gluten, it doesn't mean you're eating healthy necessarily. You could be eating different kinds of alternative flours all day to avoid gluten and you're still eating mostly carbohydrates and what good is that?

That is what yesterday felt like. Homemade bread for breakfast with egg and raspberries. (okay, not bad)

Homemade gfree pizza for lunch with dairy free cheese and crushed tomatoes.
I forget what the dairy free cheese is made of but I don't think it had any protein or nutritional value except that it just wasn't dairy.

Gluten-free cereal with almond milk as a snack. Rice crackers as a snack. You see where I'm going with this?

In order to not feel deprived I've been food hoarding and snacking to make sure that it won't be too much of a drastic change. But, hey, I'm learning,

We did have a good salad and some fish later (and probably some GF bread in between)

This morning I saw a Facebook post about getting protein first thing in the morning and saw kale recommended.

Okay, I tried it. I cooked up some onion and garlic with olive oil, chopped up some kale, fried two eggs and served it with gluten-free toast. Pretty darn good and filling too. I will post a picture below.

One of my worries in doing this, even though it's all starting to feel more realistic, is running out of money. This stuff is not cheap. I understand why poor families have obesity problems. A McDonald's burger at a dollar is cheaper than a bunch of Kale! A bunch burgers stretches further and feeds a lot more people than a bunch of kale. No doubt in a family as big as mine it's going to be a challenge.


I'm going to have to be creative about lunches too and that scares me. Maybe I will boil a bunch of eggs.... Hmm

Children, Treasures in Heaven

Children, Our Treasures In Heaven

This morning my youngest took down a picture frame from the kitchen counter that hold 5 pictures. One is of herself and the rest are her siblings.

“Can I bring this to school today? Since everybody has had a turn being Star of the Week, our teacher said we could bring things to share,” she asked.

“Sure!” I told her.

“Actually Dad said I could have it,” she informed me.

“Well Dad is not allowed to give it to you because that picture frame holds my --” I couldn’t think of the perfect word to emphasis what she and her siblings are to me, their mother.

“It holds my trophies, my treasures!”

She smiled.

I continued because once I get started I cannot stop.

“You see, you guys are my precious gifts! We can't make anything that can follow us to heaven except our children and our children's children! So while other people were busy earning degrees I was busy earning souls for heaven! ” I was getting carried away. But she did promise to return my pictures to me.

Lately it has occurred to me more than once, how much having children can be like earning degrees. A thought came to me one time when I was lamenting how I never finished college. (I know I still can) I believe this thought or understanding came from the Holy Spirit.

I saw all my children and counted the years I devoted to them at home and realized that I had earned my masters! And more than that, this was the type of personal investment of time that has more meaning to God than any other investment for personal enrichment because it has eternal “profit". At the end of the day, what matters is what matters.

While other mothers had been busy avoiding children to earn their degrees and build up their careers, I had been busy avoiding degrees and careers to build up the kingdom of God, literally, with souls to inhabit it.

Yeah yeah yeah, people say all the time that the most important job of all is mothering but I wonder if it’s just lip service. Sometimes it feels like a condescending pat on the head.  This time when I "heard" it, I knew at least that God really means it. 

There is nothing wrong at all with getting an education but I felt as though God was gently turning my head away from the mundane and back to the obvious, which I had failed to see. He wants my children more than He wants anything else. My abundant garden of children is the better gift to Him and, therefore, to me. Like Mary at His feet, I chose the better of the two.

Matthew 6:20

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Down The Shore

Enjoying Holy Thursday in Atlantic City with Hubby and chilluns. Vee brought a friend. She fits right in and feels like family. We Stopped at the OCNJ boardwalk and got some custom made sweatshirts. Ate at Manco & Manco and debating on whether to stay the night or leave. To be continued...I'm so tired I want to nap.

Bad Gluten-Free Parenting

So I took my Vee to an informative meeting last night on avoiding inflammation foods. She is interested in nutrition.

A lot of the people there were Lyme patients and the speaker was a doctor from the Netherlands with a compelling story. He studied medicine and takes a more holistic approach and is one of those doctors that focuses on food allergies and candida. For a while he was against antibiotics but he started realizing more and more that while nutrition can strengthen the body to work properly, it alone cannot kill some diseases and that antibiotics have their benefits too. He stressed very much that we eat so much crap that antibiotics alone will not do anything if you refuse to clean up your eating too. His thinking is very much aligned with mine in this and I liked him.

He entered the Lyme world because His wife thought she had chronic fatigue syndrome for years and it turned out to be Lyme. His son had Lyme too and it gave him learning disabilities. The amount of symptoms varies so much. The information was abundant! Too abundant!

Then he said something that made my ears perk up. He's been seeing a lot of these mysterious strep patients. C was diagnosed with a strain of strep! Her blood showed a gluten sensitivity as well. Her doc had said it might be what's causing her weird head episodes but its hard to tell. I told this to yesterday's speaker and he said not to rule out that it could be a secondary infection caused by Lyme.

The testing available for Lyme is woefully inadequate and hugely under diagnosed in this area where its actually a pandemic in the PA, NJ area. He recommended certain labs and certain Lyme tests that are more reliable than others.

But he is big on food allergies as well. He recommended ordering food allergy kits, eating a low fat plant based diet and getting her off gluten ASAP.

The amount of kids with GI issues he sees is staggering. (I thought of Midge). Teens with unusually high anxiety issues that are actually infected with Lyme that has affected the brain is growing. (I thought of Z). He talked about foggy brain, short term memory loss and word loss. I thought of me and my real frustration recently with trying to remember simple words for objects!! I thought about Vee having been diagnosed with Epstein Barr years back and how she has been tired ever since. I thought of those hours spent geo-caching in the NJ woods and finding tons of tiny deer tics on our clothes and bodies.

You see where my mind is going with this? Typical me. I'm convinced there's something wrong with all of us.

If I were rich, I would rush over to his office and run every test available. Realistically I can't pay for each of us to see this doctor. What I can do for now is start with diet changes. We have been wanting to eat in a more healthful way for a long time.

Vee is frustrated. She knows me and knows I never stick anything out. I start big and fizzle out. It's all or nothing for me. I realized she was giving me the lowdown in the car about how we would buy this and plan that. But she wasn't excited. Her expression looked like a tired mother's. I could see Vee mentally rolling up her sleeves and taking on the burden of her parents problems no doubt a result of inconsistent parenting. I felt dread thinking she feels she has to babysit ME! I know the feeling.

She's also worried about her dad. Hubby is turning 50 next month and is procrastinating about getting a physical. Her voice grew tremulous at the idea of having to convince her dad to make changes. I had to remind her that she is neither my spouse nor Hubby's and its not her job to fix anything. It didn't help.

Wow. My daughter thinks I'm her slightly retarded adult child. I cant tell you how that makes me feel. Its probably one of my biggest fears. I felt sad. Hubby did too but for different reasons. He doesn't want to be seen as the old chubby guy who's about to die from a heart attack.

Long story short. Guess who's going gluten free?

Palm Sunday and Why I love Italians

We just came back from Palm Sunday Mass. I really got into the gospel reading about the Passion today and I suspect the kids did too as well as the lady behind me. She was reading with emphasis and loudly. "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" You go, girl... I think.

Midge is mad because I yelled at her for climbing  over the seat

 

 

Anyway, this sounds irreverent but I made the kids swear not to go crazy with the palms. We always get so many and after we have made a thousand crosses and a few crowns, and tucked some behind holy pictures, there are always some left over.

cross



 

I might find some forgotten ones in the back seat of the car or behind dressers. I get paranoid that the hubby doesn't understand that you cant just throw sacramentals out. I found some in the trash once and realized I had overlooked  educating him on the matter. Now I just put them in the fireplace. Are we supposed to dispose of the ashes correctly? Anybody?

 

crown

 

 

Since Hubby had already gone to his church service, during mass he went to pick up some desserts for dinner at his mother's house later. When I saw the treasures he brought home, I remembered why I love being married to an Italian. He understands that food brings me joy. He tells me there is a chubby girl living inside me. I'm ok with that. But if that chubby girlseventually breaks out, we might have problems. Problems that might have to stuffed back down with a slice of sweet cake...

 

Pandoro

The object of my affection is above. It's not quite panettone. Its called pandoro and its close enough for me. They will both taste delicious with my coffee. My only concern is that I will have to leave it behind at my MIL's house after dinner and that will make me very very sad.

He also brought some St Joseph cakes, some biscotti, cookies and a ring shaped pastry that looks like a churro. I'm going to have to do some research on this one. I'm sure there is a religious meaning to it. Hmmm, it just occurred to me that the majority of Italian bakeries have pastries that have religious meaning.

Cookies- duh!

Saint Joseph Cakes

Biscotti

Must ask my Italian friend and get back to you

 Happy Palm Sunday to you  friends! I hope to really enter into this Holy Week since this lent has seemed half hearted to me. Any ideas on what to do with the kids this week would be appreciated!

El Cubano

This is a picture of the hubby a few years back on an overnight trip we took to Ocean City, NJ without the kids. I begged him to wear this shirt because it looks like a guayabera and he looks like the a Cuban. (he's not) All he needs is a cigar.

Midge

I'm thinking about Midget this morning.

I awoke from my a deep sleep last night to hear my husband call out next to me, "Come in!" as if somebody had rung the doorbell. Then he repeated himself and our bedroom door creaked open and Midge whimpered something strange. Clearly she was sleep walking from a nightmare but I was too tired to ask. We made room for her and she snuggled in the middle. She must have been knocking earlier and I hadn't heard her. Thank God the hubby did or she would have walked back to her room alone and scared if we hadn't answered. That's how she is.

I love that kid.

You see that picture up there? That was from our trip out west this past summer. We were in a tourist museum at Red Rock, Nevada. Midge was crying because she had been punished for calling her big sister the "L" word. Yes, THAT "L" word. Her sister had been pushing her buttons and Midge pulled out her big guns and let it out. Now you know our dirty little secret. We are NOT the Duggard family.

I'm not a prude when it comes to bad language. Maybe it comes from being raised by Cuban parents, I don't know. (We have a reputation for being colorful and not mincing words) But this one surprised me. What an ugly thing to come out of such a little mouth! The shocked silence that followed it proved to be too much for her. She burst into tears.  I don't remember exactly but I think she gave herself a time out on that tortoise statue.  For whatever reason, I love this picture and that memory.

Before you judge me, wait until you have teenagers in a household with younger kids. There is a dynamic in large families where younger siblings are exposed to the antics of older siblings and you can only control so much. The rest is damage control. As I get older I judge less. Motherhood has humbled or humiliated me enough times.

It brought back memories of when my eldest sister lived with us for a short time with her infant and preschooler. She had to endure a household of FIVE teenagers influencing her children. I cringe now. We loved our little niece to pieces. (Incidentally it my niece's birthday today and I think she is 22! Yikes) Yes, we loved her but we were teenagers.  I look back now in gratitude at my sister's total patience with her siblings!

That's the niece and nephew way back in the early 90's. Midge kinda looks like her.

Family Blog

I am thinking this might end up being my family blog. I have created and deleted a thousand blogs this year and will most likely continue down this destructive indecisive path.